Episode 561: World On Fire

But they didn’t talk anymore, or touch. Not really. She missed the warmth in his voice, and his hands, and his lips. She ached for those things the way he thought she ached to be showered in diamonds.

She ached for him to turn over in their painfully quiet bed one night and say he was sorry. Say he was wrong. He shouldn’t have thought so little of her; accused of her being the same shallow girl she used to be.

Well, she wasn’t.

Okay, yes, she still longed for a comfortable life, for wealth, but her reasons were so much deeper, or at least she understood them, and herself better. That it wasn’t really about amassing luxurious, designer things. It was about how those things would make her feel. Safe, and secure.

Bowie was her husband. Why couldn’t he see safety and security were all she wanted? Just to feel different, and for her boys to feel different than she had her whole life.

She hadn’t just ached for him to turn over; she’d known he would. She’d been so sure he’d understand; he’d see she wasn’t such an awful excuse for a wife.

She never dreamed the cold war would go on and on between them, for so long that their eldest boy felt the need to blurt out, "are you getting divorced?"

And Bowie hesitated to say no. He hesitated! Lila had never felt further from safe and secure, the things she’d thought were promised on their wedding day. She’d never felt more desperate than when she insisted, "of course we’re not getting divorced," thinking, hoping, praying Bowie wouldn’t dispute in front of the kids.

Episode 562: She Drives Me Crazy