Trashy, terrible Titans downright dreadful TV

(John Carman, San Francisco Chronicle)

I believe the preferred manner of doing business is to induce members of the audience to laugh until they cry.

Titans works it backward.

You can only weep for so long about how awful this show is and then you give it up to the giggles.

Yes, it's time for the ritual crucifixion of Aaron Spelling, on the occasion of one of his new television programs.

With Titans, which premiered Wednesday, Spelling's apparent objective is to dumb down Dynasty. Sort of like adding caffeine tablets to espresso.

Nominally, Titans is a serial drama, about the filthy rich and regrettably tacky Williams clan of Beverly Hills.

They were aviation-rich in the original pilot. Someone decided that wasn't enough. Now they are Williams Global Enterprises.

Perry King, who is destined for an early exit from the series, is Richard Williams, who built the conglomerate and divorced his good wife, Gwen (Victoria Principal). She still lives just across the street. Elder son Chandler (Casper Van Dien of Starship Troopers) is a navy flier who returns home to join the family business. His younger brother Peter (John Barrowman) is the snaky schemer of the family.

Their sister Laurie (Josie Davis) manages a chic night club owned by her mother. Another sister, Jenny (Elizabeth Bogush), is a slut.

The stick that stirs the kettle is Yasmine Bleeth -- I don't suppose she's often likened to a stick -- as the show's reigning vixen, Heather.

Heather gets around. She'd been Chandler's lover in Hawaii and now she's about to become his stepmother.

Dad is so nuts about his foxy bride that he tears up the prenuptial agreement, while Bleeth practically makes smacking noises at the camera.

You can count on certain things in an Aaron Spelling production. One is that any actor or actress with a case of the uglies had better look for work on another show.

It's hard to tell who's prettiest in Titans, but it's probably Van Dien as Chandler. He's got that square-jawed look that'll make the girls, and some of the boys, go woof woof. Pity that Van Dien is very possibly the worst actor to grace the small screen in at least two decades.

You can also be assured that you won't have to fry precious brain cells to figure out the characters.