THE BITCH IS BACK!

What do you call something with big hair, big lips, big breasts, big houses, big cars, too much makeup, surgically altered humans, horrible costumes and Victoria Principal?

A big hit, probably. Yes, the prime time soap returns Wednesday night with Aaron Spelling's "Titans," NBC's attempt to revive the genre, while giving a hand up to all the poor, out-of-work lip gloss manufacturers and sequin sewers.

"Titans" has everything, apparently, that sponsors want, (big bucks, big breasts, etc.), while tapping into a market that's gone dry what with the demise of "90210" and "Melrose Place."

The story revolves around the Williams family, a clan with too much money, too many muscles, and too many marriages. In other words, a '90's version of "Dallas" and "Dynasty."

You know it's not the old shows because of the muscles, which are definitely a '90s add-on. Perry King ("Melrose Place") stars as the patriarch, Richard Williams, who is divorced from "savvy Gwen" (Victoria Principal of "Dallas") who (so far) is all good.

Poor, misguided Dad is about to marry Yasmine Bleeth (Heather), who is all bad. You know this because Heather is constantly dropping her drawers for Richard's sons - adopted Chandler (aren't they ashamed to name people like this?) and not-adopted Peter (Casper Van Dien and John Barrowman, respectively)

The only person Heather won't drop her drawers for is dear old Dad.

They don't tell rich-beyond-all-knowing Dad, (who happens to be the CEO of Williams Global Enterprises, the family business) that Heather is a big tramp, even though it's so clear that Helen Keller would see it.

Why they don't tell him I don't know. This is particularly odd since wise-beyond-all-knowing Dad is a real schmo when it comes to the dames, and refuses to sign a pre-nup although he's worth more than Bill Gates.

There are also two daughters, Jenny (Elizabeth Bogush) and Laurie (Josie Davis), who run some sort of cheese-ola nightclub and sleep around and drink, although one's just gotten out of rehab.

Now you know everything I know, except for this: The wedding scene in the first episode is the hoot of all time.

Yasmine Bleeth, in tight bridal gown, walks down the aisle making such big sex faces at Chandler and swiveling her hips so much my mother was forced to exclaim, "It must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that!"

No, I'm not going to tell you the giant bombshell that explodes at the end of the first episode.

But again, with a blindfold on you could see it coming from three towns away.