Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous

Blake and Krystle, J.R. and Sue Ellen, why have you forsaken us? For those of you who ache for the sparkly jewels, personal betrayals and shady business dealings among the obscenely rich Carrington (Dynasty) and Ewing (Dallas) clans, your mourning days are over. They will be efficiently replaced by the sparkly jewels, personal betrayals and shady business dealings of the Williams family on Titans.

Patriarch Richard (Perry King, pictured at right) is about to marry gold-digging trophy wife Heather (Yasmine Bleeth), who stealthily manipulated the dapper galoot into thinking it was his idea to forgo a prenuptial agreement. It was only two months before that the gorgeous little trollop jilted her handsome lover, Richard's Navy flyboy son, Chandler (Casper Van Dien, pictured with Bleeth, below), now returning home to Beverly Hills to assume a post at Williams Global Enterprises.

Chandler's arrival doesn't thrill Richard's other son, Peter (John Barrowman), a hostile lush who's always been jealous of his big brother. And speaking of alcohol abusers, their sister Jennie's (Elizabeth Bogush) proudest moment of late has been announcing how long she's been on the wagon. Laurie (Josie Davis), the last of the Williams offspring, runs a successful nightclub. Nothing seems particularly awry with her, but give it time — something or someone horrendous will mosey along sooner or later.

And to think that all this screwiness is carried on right across the street from the mansion of Gwen (Dallas vet Victoria Principal, pictured at left), Richard's tranquil ex-wife and supportive mother of his kids. And no self-respecting potboiler would be complete without a painful case of unrequited love. Richard's executive secretary, Samantha (Lourdes Benedicto), has the hots for clueless Chandler, whom she's known since the days when her mom toiled as the Williams' maid.

I won't reveal how the first episode ends, but as sure as Dynasty's Alexis Carrington Colby wore big shoulder pads, you'll be mirthfully howling, "You bitch!"

NBC proudly — and rightly so — touts Titans as a "guilty pleasure." But don't be too embarrassed to add it to your viewing schedule. It's is the perfect salve after a lousy day, or an ideal way to cap off a good one. Pull up a chair, put up your feet and feast your hungry peepers.