Episode 598: Incomplete

"You should see her," he said.

"What?" Lucy replied, her thoughts returning to him. She’d been studying while they ate lunch at a campus picnic table, but he knew her mind frequently wandered off to Hope. His did.

As much as it pleased Paul to think of Hope’s pretty little face smiling, it also hit hard that she wasn’t smiling at, or for, him. He wasn’t making her laugh, or holding her when she needed to be held.

"You should see her," he repeated.

Lucy shook her head. "That’s not a good idea."

"The way you’re going is better?" He made a point of checking in on her like this, surprising Lucy with the occasional meal or phone call. Each time he hoped he’d find her different, or rather, the same as she used to be. Ambitious. Clear-eyed. Mostly happy. Not just going through the motions, but also really living. He wanted that for her, so much.

He couldn’t help feeling to blame for her not having that anymore.

"You saw how addicted I was to that photo at Christmas." Lucy scrubbed her fingers over her face. "It’s only this past week when I’ve stopped myself from looking at it every hour, and when I look at her…"

"It fills you with nostalgia for moments you’ll never share with her."

"Can you imagine how much worse that would be after a few minutes of touching her and smelling her?" Lucy shook her head. "It’s not a good idea. If I can’t be her mom, and I can’t, I’m not ready. And Michael so is. I need a clean break."

"You’ve tried that. Maybe it’s time to try having her in your life. You could have those moments with her. The Gables claimed they’d be okay with sharing her, right?"

She slowly nodded. "I don’t know if I could be okay with it. If I could take the goodbyes."

"What if I was there with you?" When Lucy told him she was pregnant, he hadn’t been ready to be a father. He still wasn’t. However, he was ready to be there for her, as he should have been in the first place, supporting her. Even if he wasn’t certain he could take the goodbyes either.

Episode 599: If I Die Young