Episode 470: This Love"It wasn’t the way you think," Sebastian said, stroking her hair, hugging her closer, looking her straight in the eyes despite how much he couldn’t stomach that look in her eyes.
"You weren’t having a good time while my heart was spilling all over the floor?" She asked in a quiet voice.
"No," he said. "Well, I mean, I tried. I drank. I flirted. I tried to act like it didn’t matter that I stood you up. I didn’t want anything that serious, I didn’t want expectations I couldn’t live up to."
Again, achingly quiet, Ava said, "you could have lived up to them, if you tried. Look at you now. You’re still the same person. But you try now. If you’d just tried…"
He slowly nodded. "I didn’t though. I chose the club; I chose what I thought I was good at, being selfish and having fun. But like I said, I didn’t have any fun that night, I swear it. My mind kept going back to you until finally I accepted that you were really where I wanted to be. I spent the night watching other people enjoy themselves. Wishing I’d gone to your place like I’d promised. Wishing I could just show up at your door and be forgiven for being such an ass. But I’d missed dinner. I knew you’d be mad, and disappointed with me, and I’d blown whatever small chance I’d had to impress your mom."
It didn’t seem possible and yet even more sadness reached her eyes wrenched at his conscience, his heart. "If you’d just come over anyway," she said. "If you’d just been there… knocked on the door when I needed you to knock on the door…"
"I thought I was too late. I thought I’d find you in the morning when you’d cooled off a little, charm my way back into your good graces. Then Bowie told me. And I knew I really was too late."
"That was such a hard night. I hated you for not being there to hold me when I found her. I needed you. I really needed you. And you didn’t show up. I thought I would hate you forever for that."
"I thought you would too. I thought you should. I hated myself."
"I noticed." Ava pressed a kiss to his temple, the corner of his mouth. "Your family told me how worried they were, how you’d been kicked out of school, how you’d vanished. Then I saw you myself, I saw how… lost you were, and then I almost lost you in that car crash… It was so much easier to hate you, so much less scary than to feel what I felt in that moment… This love…" She kissed him again, her eyes held him as tightly as her arms. "It’s scary. I understand."