Episode 1188: Heartbreak“I really am sorry that I led you to believe I was ready for something when I wasn’t. It was an honest mistake. I hate that I misled you, if I’d thought for one minute-”
“I know,” Lucy said. “You’ve apologized and I accept it. I understand it. Feelings are complicated and sometimes they sideswipe you.”
“That’s exactly how I felt when I heard Sebastian say Ava was pregnant.” Xavier set aside the fruit salad container. “It felt like I was sideswiped.” He grimaced. “Are you sure you want to talk about this? Tonight we were going on a date, now we’re having a conversation about lingering feelings for my ex. This isn’t fair to you. I can find someone else to talk about this with, like Quent or Justine.”
“Ava’s in-laws? That doesn’t sound fair either. I really am okay talking about this,” Lucy said. “We haven’t even been on a first date, so I’m still good with friend mode, with helping you find some clarity. Are you sure what you’re feeling right now indicates that you’re still in love with her and not something else? You believed you’d put that relationship behind you.”
“Yeah, I’d accepted it. I haven’t tried to see her or be in touch with her in a long time. That was what she wanted and after the accident, I guess I came to a place of thinking fate wanted her to stay with him and I should step aside.”
“But you don’t see her pregnancy from the same angle, as a sign that it’s game over?”
“Not since it hit me like a gut punch, no. I don’t think acceptance feels like a broken heart and if the thought of her having his baby feels like heartbreak… The only way she could still break my heart is if I’m still in love with her.”
“Or.” Lucy reached for a second of the doughy pretzels she loved.
“Or?” He prompted.
She swallowed a bite of pretzel. “I’m saying this without an agenda. It isn’t to convince you that you’re over her so you’ll get with me. I’m your friend and I just want to help figure out if you actually are hung up on her before you devote the rest of your life to pining over her, okay? You have come to the realization that it wasn’t doing you any good holding out hope for a relationship with a married woman, so that realization has suddenly changed? Somehow her pregnancy didn’t confirm for you that she’s unavailable? It reignited how much you want to be with her? Honestly. Are you sure what you’re feeling right now is love for her and not a sense of loss over what you used to think your life would look like? Are you sure this isn’t what closure feels like?”