Episode 1184: PromisesXavier stopped at the creek. He attempted to fill his mind with calm, with wildflowers and ducklings, anything to push out the thoughts that overwhelmed him.
Heartbreak wasn’t the ideal companion for an official first date and at this rate he wouldn’t be an ideal companion to anyone either. It was almost laughable, the timing. He’d finally decided to leave his feelings for her behind him only to be thoroughly slapped in the face by them.
He’d convinced himself that he was ready for this, to truly embrace a future without her, but the level of this gut punch said otherwise. It said he wasn’t fair to Lucy to entertain a romantic relationship with her when he was still carrying such heavy Ava baggage.
What was wrong with him that he’d yet to accept that it was over? Why hadn’t he accepted sooner that his choice to leave years ago was where it had ended? Her marriage to someone else hadn’t stopped him from thinking he still had a shot with her.
And then after Sebastian’s accident she’d insisted that they couldn’t even be friends. You’d think all that would have knocked some sense into him. That should have been enough. He’d thought it had been enough. He’d told himself he had no choice left, he had to start over without her.
He’d even grown to be kind of excited about it, about taking this new step with Lucy. She had such a good heart, she was smart and so comfortable to talk to and on top of all that, pretty. He’d spent much of the day with a fizzy feeling of anticipation for this picnic in the park, he’d been going into this with the purest intentions, then bam.
Clearly he shouldn’t have made anything other than friendly plans with Lucy. He’d given her his reassurance that he wasn’t holding onto the idea of Ava anymore. But that must have been an inadvertent lie. A lie to Lucy and lie to himself. Her pregnancy wouldn’t have hit him this hard if he’d truly severed that thread like he’d promised Lucy he had.