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1049: Truth Hurts

Xavier kicked back on his sofa and plucked at the guitar strings. It had been a long time, what felt like a lifetime really, a whole other life.

Nothing but sour notes.

He tuned and he tuned and he plucked again. He plucked out a little song. It sounded okay. He plucked out another, a new one. It wasn’t half bad.

He set down the guitar and rubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t want to do this, did he? He’d liked the perks of the spotlight, the accolades, the roar of the crowd, the women, the one woman he’d met that one night backstage. Would their paths have crossed otherwise? Would he even still be alive if he hadn’t met her?

He picked up the guitar, noodled some more. He liked how it sounded. He liked how it felt. Maybe he could do this. He could make music without making more noise than he could handle.

It was kind of like the level of parenthood he could handle. Like he’d told Ava a couple weeks ago. Tansy was probably the best that he could do. Never being a parent was probably for the best. There was so much wrong in him, in his history, too much to chance it. Better to just be there for Tansy and enjoy the rewards of that, leave the actual parenting to those built for it, who can be confident in guiding someone through life, parents like Quentin and Justine, and someday Ava.

She hadn’t been one for talking about it, but he had to believe that a family was something she’d always longed to experience. She’d been married for awhile now. A kid was the next logical step.

The guitar hit a sour note. He hit a sour note. If he’d never left. If he’d shown up and married her that day. What? They’d live happily ever after? They’d be the ones on the verge of taking that next step together?

He couldn’t see himself as anyone’s parent, he couldn’t see that going well, wouldn’t wish his childhood on anyone. Ava insisted he’d be a good parent though, that he should be one, that he deserved a full life.

Maybe part of him wanted that, but without her? He wouldn’t have the belief to take on such a massive responsibility without her. But if Avalon had said you deserve that full life with me, maybe he would have said, yeah, yeah, I want that, I can do that, with you.”

She wouldn’t say that though, not now, not married to someone else.

Episode 1050: I Promise You

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